Envy

     Lately, Envy has been in my heart. Isn't it hard to think that everyone around you has their life together, has that happy ending that you so desire or whatever your case may be? Well, that is me. I am desiring what others have, and it got to the point where I was crying and asking God, WHY?! WHY can't I have that yet? I'm ready. I have been waiting for quite some time. I don't know if I can do this anymore. Please Lord, just let me be able to have it. And then.. after saying that out loud and pleading. I realize.. this is all I want. I knew that and I had a hard time admitting that that was selfish because I really did not think it was selfish. Because of this, this harms my relationships with other people and also God.
     I was mad for like 3 days straight at God for not giving me what I thought I have earned. I was mad that things are not coming together like other people's lives. I was being envious and just not happy with where God has me now. But, guess what. God has me where I am and wants me to build up His kingdom where I am and be present.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:6-7

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:25-34

How am I learning to be less anxious? Prayer helps. Persistent prayer. Reading the Word helps. Meditating on it. Be in the present and what God has to offer to me each day. Seek His Kingdom. Have FAITH that He will answer.

God is fighting FOR us.

Ups and Downs. Listening.

      Lately, I feel my life has been going up and down and up and down. Like one hour something great happens and then the next hour something discouraging happens. One moment was that I was anticipating to find out what is wrong with my knee last week, but I have to wait for a visit that will be this Friday. Another week. I admit. I was mad at first.. even though I probably did not show it ( I tend to keep things like that that make me mad inside). I just have had moments like that a lot recently and it is draining for sure. But I'm learning that I just need to listen to God and surrender.

     I do get on rants sometimes with people. I have a lot of friends who are prayer warriors and tell me something encouraging or are praying for me recently and that is SO GREAT! My initial reactions to all of these was to ask for their prayer request and I would pray for them right then, but then forget it throughout my week. I believe God is teaching me how to take in how much I am loved by people He has brought to me in my life. God is showing me that I do not have to do something for my friends for them to like me, they already do and care for me. Even when I feel the crappiest and a failure. And guess what. It is just a SMALL glimpse of His love for me!

I Peter 5:6-11 is right by my bed and I look at it every time before I go to sleep.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
      This verse reminds me that my God is great. Life is hard in this world but it will pass. The devil is strong, our flesh is weak. But being in a community is great!