Transitions

Very end of last year on Christmas I got engaged. This year I finished finished that long distance relationship. I have graduated with my undergrad degree in Kinesiology. I got married. I have moved out of state, away from my family and friends and the area that I have known since I was born. Not for a short time too (that thought has been sinking in recently). Every time I say that out loud or think about it all, I realize that that is a lot that has happened to me. Sometimes, I am wonder "What was I thinking?" or "What have I gotten myself into?" "Did you realize what you all did?"

Let me tell you. The Lord has been teaching me this year: patience, perseverance, faith, and what am I really living for. FYI. This is going to be a long blog because I do have a lot to say. Just warning you.

During my last semester at UIC, I was able to intern with Alliance Rehab at Norwood Park Senior Center and just fell in love with it! I was able to get a job right after my internship and could have kept on going if I did not get married a moved haha. It was great. It was so good for me developing skills there and learning from that place. The last day there was hard for me to think it was my last time teaching classes to the Seniors. Thinking that I will probably not see some of them ever again. My last day was a week before I got married. I then realize that I will be seeing my now husband soon and that our long distance relationship will be over and from not seeing each other like every 2-3 months to seeing each other every day.. still gets me. It's crazy, weird, and happy.

So, we got married. Looking at pictures, it feels like forever ago but still remembering all the emotions I had that day: excitement, nervousness, "wow, this dress" "everything looks great" "beautiful songs" "Vows" "is this really happening?" "We're married? Just like that?" It is a day I have been waiting for (which felt like forever). Now it is over with. Whoa. Such much joy that day. So much joy seeing my husband having his eyes close as he pray for the day and our marriage/lives here on after before we get married. So much joy seeing my husband waiting for me to come down the aisle. So much joy worshipping with him by my side. So much joy expressing our vows to each other. So much joy being announced Mr. and Mrs. So much joy celebrating!

So honeymoon over. Moved to Charlotte. Got everything organized and cleaned was basically my week 1 at Charlotte. Starting September I got a babysitting job that I knew was going to be temporary since the family moved at the end of the month. In my right mind, I thought I would have had a job offer after I was done with it so I thought "Perfect."

During my first job here, I would babysit around 11 hours a day. It was great at the time. It made me feel like I had value.. in that I am helping making money. During this time I was figuring out what meals Ned and I liked together and what are the essentials. Also, this time I was also doing the lovely name change things and stuff to do once you move to another state: SS, Drivers license, plates, bank account changes. It took a toll in my mental identity in that: am I really Eva Swanson.. because certain things would still say Eva Pua. What do I say to people when they ask for my name or write a check. It was a weird time.

Now, I haven't been babysitting for about a week and a half.. basically 2 weeks. Anyways, during this time, I have applied to about 20 jobs I would say. Not hearing back is one thing. Sometimes, I catch myself applying for the same job too. I also had to deal with being declined from a job twice. That definitely took a toll to my ego since both were jobs I believed I was over-qualified for. I have gotten phone interviews and eagerly awaiting to see what is next from there. One of the phone interviews is to work at a little kids gym (so other side of the age range I worked with before). Seems fun and I have visited. I totally get my hopes up thinking this is job for me. Kids. Fun work outs. During the phone interview, they told me they will get back to me.. it has been about a week later. Still waiting. Goodness. This is hard.

I have always struggled with feeling "not being good enough" and just feeling neglected. Well, I guess no one really like to be neglected. This job hunt has been teaching me to make sure I have a right perspective before I go into my Applying Mode. My worth is not in a job. I am not here in this world to be the best trainer or worker. My time on this earth is to prepare myself and others for eternity with the One true God. My TRUE joy and satisfaction is from Him. It is unending, eternal.

So, Patience. I sometimes wonder why am I always love looking at what is ahead and not where or what is now. It happens especially if something you want is coming up.. like a wedding. It is exciting. But I am learning, during those times, it is HARD to be present. Learning how to be thankful for each day that God has given you. Each person you get to interact with each day. Having joy of the Lord in your heart! Knowing that I have eternal security because of my faith in Him. Learning how much you need God and how much He loves you. Recently, I came across this during one of my alone times with God: God is glorified in our joy in Him. Finally my brothers, Rejoice in the Lord (Phil 3:1). I was then thinking: Wow, do I rejoice each day that my God is good? Do I have true authentic joy in Him? Do I pursue joy in the Lord?
I know. A lot of questions for my mind. Everyone told me that in marriage, God is going to use it to sanctify each other.. as in molding each other to what God wants you to be. Pure joy in God. Going and telling others. Share His love. Multiply.

Live in the joy of Christ and you will never be disappointed. Wow. True words right there. This is what I am working on while I am waiting for a job or whatever. It is something to be worked on each day of my life. This is where I am learning perseverance. Some days are harder than others, like when I learn I am not getting the job I thought I was most likely going to get. Or, God, are you really hearing my prayers about me wanting to work? Why is this happening? Am I going to be a able to go to school next year?  "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you"- Ps. 32:8. I need to keep truth in my heart and mind.

Now, Faith and What am I really living for are going together. Faith in that my God is a good good Father. It is who He is. I am ever so loved by him. (Yes, I quoted kinda that song). Faith in that I do have a faithful God that hears my desires. Faith in that His perfect timing, certain things will happen. Learning that there is a different with His way and my way or any other person's way. Faith in that what I am suppose to be living for is eternal. Wow. Eternity. One day. We all will have to face God. Can you imagine being with God.. FOREVER. Whoa. After this time on earth, eternity matters. We are on this earth for a speck of what is to come. SO hard to grasp that sometimes. I sometimes think on how I thought my wedding day was going to take forever to get here.. and then it happened and it's all done. That's what life on this earth is.

Now, each day. I ask myself as I am in this season of transition. Making sure I know where my worth is at. Asking if I am having joy in my Father. Making sure that while I search for jobs, that my mind won't get caught up with idolizing that more than my time with my good good Father. Knowing that He is in control of my future.

Control & Fear

       Sometimes, I just need to write things out. I'm one of those people who do better writing out my thoughts and feelings instead of using words. I mean, unless you pry it out. Lately, I have been really sensitive about questions with my life. I had no clue why, but now I am understanding. It has to do with something inside myself. My heart. A problem. Control & Fear.

       Lately, my time in the Word has been reading and like okay, that's cool, thank you Lord and usually follow by feeling bad about my life or something like that. Recently, there have been some good days with the Word, Like learning about James, Jesus' brother, who also wrote the book of James and it just clicked to why I love the book of James since all James had to go through. Whoa. One of those Wow, how come I haven't realize this.. God is so much bigger than me & has lots of truths that are just waiting for me to unveil.

       I've been growing weary with school, especially finding an internship site. I have seriously gone through 5 sites and either it didn't fit my schedule, or it was something I wanted to do. I felt defeated. I have one more I am looking into and it seems promising so far. I do have a fear that this one will be taken away just like the others. I have a fear of either not getting into the school I want to next year & being able to get in state tuition and if that that doesn't happen, finding a job. I have fears of not being "ready." I am learning how to give these fear to Him and control over it. I have to cling to His promise that He knows the desires of my heart and knows what is best for me. With that. This long distance relationship thing. I was all right for the most part, but lately I have just, well, I am not sure. Like it has been FOREVER since I have seen Ned and just hanging out with him. This is hard.. 3 months. People have told me it is worth it, and I believe so in the sense of when seeing the person, it makes it .. I'm not sure what word to use for it besides exciting/one of a kind experience. That is what I need to realize. Not every relationship goes through months and months apart from each other. Also, each one is definitely not the same. God has definitely been working through some our weakness together. He is definitely growing us closer to Him.. not without mourning and tears haha. We both know it will be worth it in the end. Plus, we got a book about questions before you marry.. and some of the questions have helped the quality of our conversations & definitely learning about each other on a deeper level. Also, reminding us on why we are in this relationship in the fist place. Always good to be reminded of that.

Scripture that I love meditating on recently on? JAMES 1.

Confused. Lost. Found.

      I'm in a season of waiting. Waiting to see what is my next chapter after undergrad at UIC. Waiting to see when engagement and marriage will come into play. Waiting for this semester to end. Waiting for my next semester to start. Waiting to see if I get an internship next semester and when. Waiting to know if I can take the TEAS test somewhere here. Waiting. Waiting for answers.

     You know the verse: Be still and know I am God. Well, that is a verse if you didn't. I am finding in this season that God is the only person I feel at peace with during this time of waiting. Knowing that my future is in His hands and He knows my desires and plans. Sometimes it is hard to feel that. Sometimes I do doubt. On a daily basis I need to surrender my life to God because I do not have control. Even when I think I do. I do not. God is definitely working on my prayer life and personal time with Him this season. I cannot go a day without prayer and going to Him with my worries and anxieties. Quite frankly, it is getting tiredsome. But I am learning that this may be happening because He is teaching me what perseverance is.. having a FAITH and HOPE in Him alone. Recently I looked over the story of Joseph (the one with Mary). Meditating on his perseverance to always looking to God throughout the journey of meeting married and when Jesus was born. Knowing where to go. What to do. And why did Joseph know? Because God lead him and he looked to God. Joseph persevered with all the craziness of Mary becoming pregnant and traveling around.

"For God is not the author of confusion but of peace" - I Corinthians 14:33

For all the girls

      This season of my life, I am learning to truly believe in the promises God has for us. I am growing weary of this world to be honest. I feel like I hate how women are seen in this world. I hate how some women may feel like they need to dress a certain way to be accepted. I hate how some women do not care what they wear. It pains me to see this all of a sudden.. really does. It hurts because I did feel like I needed to dress a certain way to be accepted. I felt all of this. And now, being clothed in dignity means something to me more.

     

     "True beauty emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ."

      Ladies. True beauty is not on the outside. It is about how you represent yourselves to others. I say this with conviction in myself too. I need to stop wondering if I look pretty on the outside. I want to be the woman that people compliment on my personality and NOT my body. Now, Who am I in Christ? Who are you in Christ?

     "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer" - Psalm 19:14

" You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit that you received from God and that lives in you. You don’t own yourselves. God paid a very high price to make you his. So honor God with your body." - I Corinthians 6: 19-20

     I am continuing learning how my body IS God's. What a relationship I have with Him.. He created me, He wants me, and even when I do not want Him.. He's there. He paid the price. He wants me to honor Him with how I represent my relationship with Him. He cares. Sometimes, I think to myself, would I do something different if Jesus is here or I am going to see Him. Because He is watching. My relationship with Jesus is serious.. it is not something I can blow off.. though I do sometimes. It breaks my heart when I realize I have. 

Thought of the day: Hows your relationship with everyone you know. Which people do you feel closer to and why. Do you have a relationship with Christ? Why or Why not?

Promises

     So, I haven't written a blog since finals week haha. I'm sorry to anyone who liked reading them. A new job, summer school, and volunteering have been keeping me quite busy. Also, you know, hanging out with friends and Ned a lot before he moves.

      Anyways, for like 3 weeks, I have been feeling not "myself." It is getting harder to trust in the truth and promises of God. It is harder to "be strong" that Ned is moving to Charlotte soon. It does not help that I am waiting to finish summer school before I try and plan anything for after my undergrad. 3 more weeks! woot woot! Sometimes, I just want to know when things are going to happen.. that's all haha:)

     Question: Why is it so "bad" to show emotion? Why do people not like to cry in public? I believe in our society, the strong people are looked at the people who do not cry, who do not let their emotions get in the way of things. When  I think of these questions, the verses that come up are from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
     "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,  a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."
      There's a time in your life for everything. The next verse that I am sharing is a verse I am quoting every morning. I am at the point where I need to be reminded that God is for me even when I do not "feel" it. It's like, I know I should feel confident in God but why do I not. A quote that I saw on Pintrest totally described how I am feeling with my relationship with God. "It feels so good to be lost in the right direction" Oh, now the verse:

      "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."          -Hebrews 10:23

     

Envy

     Lately, Envy has been in my heart. Isn't it hard to think that everyone around you has their life together, has that happy ending that you so desire or whatever your case may be? Well, that is me. I am desiring what others have, and it got to the point where I was crying and asking God, WHY?! WHY can't I have that yet? I'm ready. I have been waiting for quite some time. I don't know if I can do this anymore. Please Lord, just let me be able to have it. And then.. after saying that out loud and pleading. I realize.. this is all I want. I knew that and I had a hard time admitting that that was selfish because I really did not think it was selfish. Because of this, this harms my relationships with other people and also God.
     I was mad for like 3 days straight at God for not giving me what I thought I have earned. I was mad that things are not coming together like other people's lives. I was being envious and just not happy with where God has me now. But, guess what. God has me where I am and wants me to build up His kingdom where I am and be present.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" -Philippians 4:6-7

"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." -Matthew 6:25-34

How am I learning to be less anxious? Prayer helps. Persistent prayer. Reading the Word helps. Meditating on it. Be in the present and what God has to offer to me each day. Seek His Kingdom. Have FAITH that He will answer.

God is fighting FOR us.

Ups and Downs. Listening.

      Lately, I feel my life has been going up and down and up and down. Like one hour something great happens and then the next hour something discouraging happens. One moment was that I was anticipating to find out what is wrong with my knee last week, but I have to wait for a visit that will be this Friday. Another week. I admit. I was mad at first.. even though I probably did not show it ( I tend to keep things like that that make me mad inside). I just have had moments like that a lot recently and it is draining for sure. But I'm learning that I just need to listen to God and surrender.

     I do get on rants sometimes with people. I have a lot of friends who are prayer warriors and tell me something encouraging or are praying for me recently and that is SO GREAT! My initial reactions to all of these was to ask for their prayer request and I would pray for them right then, but then forget it throughout my week. I believe God is teaching me how to take in how much I am loved by people He has brought to me in my life. God is showing me that I do not have to do something for my friends for them to like me, they already do and care for me. Even when I feel the crappiest and a failure. And guess what. It is just a SMALL glimpse of His love for me!

I Peter 5:6-11 is right by my bed and I look at it every time before I go to sleep.
Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.
      This verse reminds me that my God is great. Life is hard in this world but it will pass. The devil is strong, our flesh is weak. But being in a community is great!